Body dysmorphia is a...

I hate my body right now. Let me rephrase that. I hate what my body looks like right now. I wish it looked like it did when I was a college athlete or when I finished the PCT. And sometimes, just sometimes, I even wish it looked the way it did when I was so stressed I wasn’t eating (circa 2015 thanks to the railroad). I enjoy that version of my body. That version where I can fit into pretty much anything in my closet, and would not only wear, but feel confident in a bikini. I love the version of my body where I am not trying to hide my body.

But I do not look like that right now.

I am very clearly not in the best shape of my life. It's hard to compete with two a days or 25 mile days. Not when I am working 40 hours, plus school. It's not like I am out of shape either but I do comb thru photos to find that perfect angle where I don't feel gross about how I look.

Body dysmorphia is a bitch.

*Just hiked 40 miles: Ugh, My face is so fat*

*Summited the highest point in AZ: Dang your waist are huge.*

*Finishes a cave adventure: I look terrifying without makeup*

While I hate how I look right now, when I got to Washington I put my pack on and walked. It was hard, but it wasn’t challenging. It was like my body just knew what to do once I clicked in my hip belt. It knew to put one step in front of the other and just keep walking.

Sometimes my body fails me. But more often than not, it does exactly what I want it to do. If not more. While, I will always struggle with how my body looks I am just so grateful that I can walk. That I can continue to put one foot in front of the other.